Port42

Photographic Time Machine

2007-03-29T11:24:00.000-07:00

Around 1905 some russian guys figured out a way to make colored photographs by taking 3 photos with red, green and blue filters, then composited the negatives to create a color print. These images are taken in 1905-1915.

http://www.museum.ru/museum/1812/Memorial/PG/colorpg_1.html

Wireframe modeling... for real!

2007-03-14T17:24:00.000-07:00

Art imitating art? Reality imitating the virtual? I don't know, but it's pretty cool.
http://news.windingroad.com

The Best Of - Recut Trailers

2007-03-06T16:06:00.000-08:00

I got tired of hunting around for these to I put them in one big pile. Enjoy.

Garden State

Must Love Jaws

Office Space

The Shining

The Sixth Sense

Sleepless In Seattle

The Sound Of Music

Taxi Driver

Top Gun

When Harry Met Sally

Kodak Duaflex

2007-02-27T17:42:00.000-08:00

Kodak Duaflex (focusing) camera

Built: 1947-50
Shutter Speed: One speed
Film Size: 620
Lens: Kodar 72mm focusing f/8 - f/16
Film Size: 620

Cost: $17.25 - Ironically, I recently purchased one on Ebay for not much more. Hmm... whatever will I do with such an antiquated piece of equipment?

Now That's Racing

2007-02-23T09:56:00.000-08:00

Rumor has it that Champ Car is looking at filling its late season with another euro race. This time at Dijon.

Here is a very cool video of the great Gil Villeneuve battling it out with Arnoux at Dijon in 1979. I think there were more passes in this one clip than most modern F1 races. Pity.

Mailbag: TO ALL PET LOVERS

2007-02-22T13:09:00.000-08:00

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Family Pets:

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that a esthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, or try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain about Our Pets:

They live here. You don't.
If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why it's called "FURniture.")
I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
To you, it's an animal . To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: In many way s, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

Eat less.
Don't ask for money all the time.
Are easier to train.
Normally come when called.
Never ask to drive the car.
Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
Don't smoke or drink.
Don't have to buy the latest fashions.
Don't want to wear your clothes.
Don't need a gazillion dollars for college.

And finally,

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.(okay, I know this last one won't fly here, but it was on the list!)

Cimarron 1 Mine 1.01

2007-02-20T15:26:00.000-08:00

Hour One

Assembled the templates
Assembled one truss
Assembled one floor plate

Cimarron 1 Mine

2007-02-16T14:43:00.000-08:00

It's finally here. The Cimarron 1 Mine from Banta Modelworks arrived Tuesday in a surprisingly small box - about 6"x10"x2". The kit includes little bits of strip wood to be cut to size, laser cut/etched flat stock, a bag of plastic tube and metal rod to be bent by hand and finally chipboard templates for assembling the strip wood to form the trusses. It looks like a nightmarish mess of stuff to assemble but after looking at the instructions I think it should go together in an afternoon. Now where did I put those tweezers.

Wild Urbs

2007-02-05T09:32:00.000-08:00

I took the dogs to the west Delta Park dog park. The area between PIR and the wetlands. It was cold and damp. Just the right conditions for the half dozen dogs sloshing around by the parking lot. After Cooper and India tired of playing with the other dogs we wandered west to the far end of the park where there were no other dogs.

I saw an amazing Great Blue Heron along the way. It was only about 20 feet from the fence line just tip toeing through the reeds and grasses looking for dinner.

When we got to the end of the dog park I was startled by a dog barking at me on the other side of the fence. It too was pretty close, about 100 feet away. It was an odd sounding dog, it's bark was more of a combination bark/howl/yodel. It looked a little peculiar too. In fact it was not a dog at all. It was a coyote. And it was not too happy to have me and the dogs nearby. So we just continued on our way. When we got back to the parking lot the coyote was still howling it's displeasure at me. I mentioned my sighting to the other dog people. They thought it was pretty cool.

Champ Car - Ford: Version 2.0

2007-01-29T18:12:00.000-08:00

The loss of Ford in Champ Car is an interesting development. After reading some of press releases again I was thinking that Champ Car drank Paul Stoddart's Koolaid. Basically CC decided to use Stoddart's old Minardi F1 two-seater cars for the pace car rides. So Ford apparently didn't think there was much left for them to contribute to the series besides the engine. So they pulled the plug. So from that perspective it seems that CC shot themselves in the foot.

A little farther back, however, CC announced two new races in Europe and one in China. Their first time back to the old country since 2003 and their first ever in China. You would think this would be a good thing, marking a healthy expansion of the series. Ford's racing director didn't see it that way. "If I had wanted to back an international series," says Ford Racing director Dan Davis, "it wouldn’t have been Champ Car." This comment was made before the announcement of the pace car switch. In all fairness to Ford the changing scope of CC is something to consider when evaluating where your supporting dollars go. Car companies don't market the same cars all around the world. It wouldn't really make sense to be running pace cars that are models that are not available in the region you are racing in. So would Ford have to develop another set of pace cars for China and Europe? And would their European base have to pony up dollars to promote an American based race series?

Perhaps the rumored Asian manufacturer finds Champ Car more in alignment with their international racing effort than Ford. Both Toyota and Honda have a major presence in F1. In the Americas Honda in supplying the IRL and Toyota is developing their NAPCAR program. Mazda has a large presence in the US in their Star Mazda series, Champ Car Atlantic Series and Mazda MX-5 Cup series. Hyundai has been racing in the World Rally Championship but doesn't have other significant racing efforts. I still hope it's Mazda... Or Cadillac...

Do not try this at home... or at work... or wherever

2007-01-29T15:27:00.000-08:00

Ford Gone From Champ Car

2007-01-26T18:05:00.000-08:00

What the hell! While the week in Champ Car testing had many high notes there was one big downer. Champ Car announced that Ford would no longer be involved in the series. It's not entirely clear if Ford dropped Champcar or if it was the other way around. Apparently there is to be an announcement soon for a replacement to Ford. Rumors indicate it will be an asian manufacturer. Some are thinking it could be Mazda or Hyundai. Others think Toyota or Honda. Since the later two left CCWS on a very sour note and one supplies engines to the rival IRL series, I doubt it would be either of them.

Hyundai scares the bajezus out all the Champ Car fans. I know that their image is improving, but come on "Champ Car World Series Powered by Hyundai" is just not going to sell tickets. Rumors are that Hyundai is planning on introducing a higher end car line under a different name. Like Acura, Lexus and Infinity. I don't care how much money they throw at the series, it's just not the right mix.

Of the players mentioned, Mazda would be my pick. They're part of Ford and are providing the engines to the Champ Car Atlantic ladder series. So it would kind of make sense that it be Mazda. And they have a much more sporty image.

Oh well. All will be revealed in the comming days.

Champ Car: Testing at Sebring

2007-01-26T17:54:00.000-08:00

It's almost over. The cold dark winter of Champ Car doldrums. Some of the teams went to the racetrack in Sebring, Florida this week. We finally got to see the new Panoz DP-01 in action. Well we actually saw the development car in action last year. This was the first time the teams got to put the cars under pressure to perform. Various technical problems were addressed. Downshifting seems to have been the biggest problem. Everyone seems to agree the car held up extremely well.

A bit of history one day one of testing. At the end of the first practice session with the brand new chasis, who should be at the top of the time charts?... Katherine Legge. Driving in a Dayle Coyne car no less. Doesn't get any better than that.

Action Poet in Action at Proper Eats

2007-01-26T12:22:00.000-08:00

We got to enjoy another scintillating recitation by the Action Poet last night at Proper Eats cafe. The house was well packed. Everyone enjoying their proper eats with a side of steamy poetry. The Action Poet was in top form, belting out some old favorites and some new tongue twisters. Well, they weren't really twisters but they were new. At least they were new to me. Or at least I've forgotten that I heard them before, so for all intents and purposes they were new. And I'm sure some in the audience haven't heard them before, so to them it was all new. And all good! Who doesn't love Naked Man? I do! Count me in. Love Naked Man. It gets better with every telling. I'm sure No Pants Lady is in the works.

The Action Poet was accompanied by a jazz ensemble. They were okay, just a little timid and generic sounding. I liked the band that accompanied The Action Poet the last time he performed at Proper Eats.

Paul was manning the video camera in the inky shadows. I didn't get a chance to wish him happy birthday again. He's forty (40) years old now. That's 4x10 or half of 80 or 2x20. In other words, he was ten years old when Star Wars first appeared on the silver screen. I, now, am the last of my kind.

Hoot, Hoot, Whooo's There?

2007-01-26T12:01:00.000-08:00

It was a cold dark night. I was working in the garage making little boxes to hold screws and nails and other bits of stuff that are used to make stuff. The dogs were in the backyard lounging on the frosty grass. Suddenly Cooper started growling and barking at some nearby dog. I gave him the usual STFU. It had no effect on Cooper. In the distance I heard the other dog barking, howling or doing whatever it was doing. What was it doing? That dog sounded really odd. Dogs don't sound like that. I stopped to listed. After a moment of silence the dog made the sound again. Thats no dog, I thought! I dropped what I was doing and dashed inside to bring this startling development to Elizabeth's attention. We stepped outside and I gave her the shhh sign and pointed to the neighbors cedar tree. After a few moments we heard it. Hoot, hoot, hooo. An owl! No freak'n way! Yes way! I don't think I've ever heard an owl in the city before. Sweet!

We found it odd that it was hard to determine where exactly the owl was perched. It kind of seemed to be close by, in the neighbors cedar tree perhaps. But then it seemed to be a little farther way, maybe a few houses down. Elizabeth did her Googling and determined that it was most likely a mated pair of Great Horned Owls who were calling to each other. Just in time for Valentine's Day. Awww.

Google Earth: Finding a Needle in a Haystack

2007-01-20T10:27:00.000-08:00

Leave it to my brother to find something like this with Google Earth.

Step 1. Launch Google Earth.
Step 2. Find Portland, Oregon in the United States.
Step 3. Zoom in so you can see something like the image below. You'll want to look north of the Portland/Vancouver area where you'll find a river branching from the Columbia River.
Step 4. Zoom into the area of the branching rivers.

Step 5. Locate a skinny brown line representing a railroad track crossing from the wetland in the south to farmlands in the north. Look for a little bridge that spans the river you found in Step 3. Zoom into the bridge.

Step 6. You'll see a little smudge that looks like a blurry 'T'. Zoom in on that 'T'.

Voila! Aerobatic airplane in action. It turns out this guy regularly practices his aerobatics near the Ridgefield Wildlife Refuge.

Vegas Baby!

2007-01-19T11:09:00.000-08:00

Forget the bunny ears. On Easter Sunday we'll be at the inaugural Champ Car Grand Prix of Las Vegas. The race tickets have been booked. The hotel has been booked. The air fare has been booked... Wait a minute... According the to the tickets we'll be arriving a week early. Oh dear, whatever will we do with all that time.......

Day 1 - Saturday

7:00 AM - Depart PDX
9:30 AM - Arrive LAS
1:30 PM - Mario Andretti Racing School at the Las Vegas Super Speedway

We'll be doing the Champ Ride program in which you ride along in a open-wheel two-seater. Our driver will be doing a simulated qualifying run which should top out at 180MPH!

We'll leave LV at mid-afternoon heading north to Zion National Park. It's not on Elizabeth's top things to see list so we'll blow through pretty quickly. Our main goal is to get to Bryce Canyon National Park before they close the gates.

Day 2 - Sunday

Bryce Canyon National Park

We hope to be at the rim before sunrise. After burning our retinas for a couple hours we'll probably take a horse back ride down into the canyon. Finishing up Bryce in the early afternoon we'll have a hell of a ride northwest to Arches National Park. It'll be a real butt burner of a ride, probably 5 or 6 hours. On the way we'll pass through Capitol Reef National Park.

Day 3 - Monday

Arches National Park

One of Elizabeth's top places to see. There are a few good spots that offer shorts hikes into the lumpy landscape. Again we'll try to be out of the park in the early afternoon. Then we'll head south to Monument Valley.

Monument Valley

With any luck we should be at Monument Valley at the end of the day to enjoy a spectacular sunset in this amazing place. When the coyotes start howling we'll head west to Page, Arizona.

Day 4 - Tuesday

Antelope Canyon

I didn't visit this place on my canyon tour back in 1999. It looks amazing. Let's see, where did I put my camera... Oh yeah, its broken. Hm, whatever will I do about that? We'll head to the Grand Canyon and hope to be there in the late afternoon for the sunset.

Day 5 - Wednesday

Grand Canyon National Park

All day looking a big ditch. We had hoped to go to visit the north rim, but it will not be open. So we'll go to the tourist heavy south rim.

Day 6 - Thursday

Las Vegas and Cirque du Soleils O

A long drive back to Las Vegas. Check in at the Palace Hotel and then finish off the long road trip with a show. We saw a behind the scenes movie on the making of Zumanity and it just looked too weird, and not that interesting. So we opted for O.

Day 7 - Friday

Champ Car - Qualifying - Day 1

Whew! Back with old friends. This will be the first time we get to see the new Champ Car - Panoz DP01 - in person.

8:00 AM - 8:35 AM	Atlantic Practice
8:50 AM - 10:00 AM	CHAMP CAR PRACTICE
10:15 AM - 11:45 AM	Streets Open
12:00 PM - 12:30 PM	HGP Practice
12:45 PM - 1:20 PM	Atlantic Qualifying
**1:30 PM - 1:50 PM	"Fast Lap" Pace Car On Track Activities
2:00 PM - 3:15 PM	CHAMP CAR QUALIFYING
**3:20 PM - 4:00 PM	"Fast Lap" Pace Car On Track Activities
4:00 PM - 4:30 PM	Drifting Challenge
4:45 PM - 5:15 PM	HGP Practice

Day 8 - Saturday

Champ Car - Qualifying - Day 2

8:00 AM - 8:45 AM	Atlantic Practice
9:00 AM - 9:30 AM	HGP Practice
9:45 AM - 11:00 AM	CHAMP CAR PRACTICE
11:15 AM - 11:45 AM	Streets Open
12:00 PM - 12:35 PM	Atlantic Qualifying
**12:40 PM - 1:20 PM	"Fast Lap" Pace Car On Track Activities
1:30 PM - 2:45 PM	CHAMP CAR QUALIFYING
**2:55 PM - 3:25 PM	Drifting Challenge
3:30 PM - 4:00 PM	HGP Qualifying

Day 9 - Sunday

Champ Car - Grand Prix

9:00 AM - 9:30 AM	CHAMP CAR WARM UP
9:45 AM - 10:00 AM	Atlantic Warm Up
10:15 AM - 11:15 AM	HGP Race
11:30 AM - 12:15 PM	"Fast Lap" Pace Car On Track Activities
12:15 PM	GRID CHAMP CARS
1:00 PM - 3:00 PM	START OF VEGAS GRAND PRIX (Race Number 1 of the 2007 Champ Car World Series)
3:45 PM	Grid Atlantics (Pit Lane)
4:00 PM - 5:00 PM	Atlantic Race

Once the races is over we'll pack up and head for home.

Mail Bag: In Honor of Stupid People

2007-01-19T09:23:00.000-08:00

I think this is a bit of Bill Engvall's (Blue Collar Comedy Tour) routine. Not sure though.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Where is Port 42

2007-01-18T19:10:00.000-08:00

In cyberspace it is where you are now.

In reality it was in John's back yard.

In childhood memory it was the nexus of the universe.

more to come...

The Encore

2007-01-18T18:08:00.000-08:00

The website for the project I worked on last year has gone live. I did all of the renderings of the exterior and unit interiors. There was supposed to be some functionality that would allow the user to customize their unit color scheme. Apparently they either skipped that option or have yet to incorporate it.

The Encore

SMART Coming to the US in 2008

2007-01-18T14:08:00.000-08:00

Finally! Although I have seen a couple around town. Rat bastards! They were at the Detroit autoshow so hopefully they will be at the Portland show in late January.

http://www.smartusa.com/

Spider: Morphable Face Model

2007-01-18T12:12:00.000-08:00

That's pretty incredible. I would come in very handy for AML.

Spider: Tony vs. Paul

2007-01-15T11:22:00.000-08:00

What a coincidence! I have a friend named Paul who has a friend named Tony.

Olde fashioned stop motion animation with real people. Good times.

Mail Bag: Weird Facts

2007-01-11T09:57:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: I cannot attest to, nor have I verified the validity of any of these "facts".

Subject: Weir Facts

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of th huan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

The Metropolitan

2007-01-10T19:04:00.000-08:00

I worked on the renderings for this project over a year ago and just got around to looking at the web site. It looks like most of my work ended up in the construction section.

The Metropolitan

Far Out Space Bump

2007-01-04T12:30:00.000-08:00

Jeff Bezos' Blue Origin got a little closer to space on November 13, 2006. When are spaceships going to look like the Millennium Falcon or the Slave I? Why not have Ferrari design a spaceship? I bet it would look sweet, go fast and only cost three trillion dollars. Okay, twenty trillion.

Blue Origin - website

Cnet

One word - just one word - Plastics.

2007-01-04T12:14:00.000-08:00

The end of paper is nigh. Plastic Logic is showcasing their lightweight plastic display technology as an alternative to paper. Although you can do some very cool things with this stuff, it just seems to accelerate the disposable technology trend. Heaven forbid someone create a technology that can last twenty years.

Robot Chicken: Star Wars

2006-06-23T09:40:00.000-07:00

From Seth Green and the gang at Robot Chicken comes a heart rending parody on Star Wars. God this is funny. Big thanks to Paul for sending me the link.

Mail Bag: Ignoranus

2006-02-02T10:27:00.000-08:00

Odds are you have already received this email.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing of one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are last year's {2005} winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Mail Bag: Abbot and Costello Meet Bill Gates

2006-01-26T13:21:00.000-08:00

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals and track expenses. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".........

Mail Bag: In Praise of Older Women.

2005-12-07T02:12:00.000-08:00

According to snopes.com Andy Rooney did not author this piece.

For those of us lucky enough to be over 40 and those who will be soon enough, here is a piece written by Andy Rooney - CBS 60 Minutes.

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will not lay next to you in bed and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.

A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocated. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.

Mail Bag: Dear Dr. Laura

2005-11-22T12:59:00.000-08:00

According to snopes.com there is no evidence that this letter was actually sent to Dr. Laura

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination.

End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:19). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20 or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27.
How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6 -8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev. 24: 10-16)
Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

Mail Bag: Inner Strength

2005-08-16T08:22:00.000-07:00

Inner Strength

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills, If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it, If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time, If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can face the world without lies and deceit, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, If you can do all these things,

Then you are probably the family dog.

Mail Bag: You Might Be A Redneck If...

2004-09-20T14:29:00.000-07:00

More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
You've ever been arrested for loitering.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
Your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her butt.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
You're an expert on worm beds.
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
Your family tree does not fork.
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
You haul more than U-Haul.
Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Bikers back down from your momma.
You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the h--l are you looking at, Sh-thead?"
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You've ever bought a used cap.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You've never paid for a haircut.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
Your screen door has no screen.
Your biggest ambition in life is to "git thet big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.
You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.
Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
Your masseuse uses lard.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
On stag night, you take a real deer.
You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
Your back porch is bigger than your house.
There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.
Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
You think cur is a breed of dog.
People hear your car long before they see it.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
You've ever hitchhiked naked,
You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
You list your parole officer as a reference.
There are more fish on your wall than pictures.
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.
You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.
Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
The primary color of your car is "bondo".
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirting.
Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
Redman sends you a Christmas card.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of the wheels off his doublewide.
You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".
"If you've ever used a pork product to assemble a bicycle."
You don't think Jeff's jokes are funny.

Mail Bag: Actual Comments Made by Sports Commentators

2004-05-05T16:32:00.000-07:00

So they're not all true, but they're funny in the telling.

1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk event:
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up, and it was amazing."

2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse, and I can speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Grand Prix Race Announcer:
"The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of and similar to the one in back."

4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer:
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially to my mother and father."

5. Ringside Boxing analyst:
"Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really very serious."

6. Baseball Announcer:
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

7. Basketball Analyst:
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

8. At a trophy ceremony, BBC TV Boat Race 1988:
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."

9. Metro Radio; College Football:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

10. US Open TV Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh, my God, what have I just said?"

Mail Bag: A Dogs Pet Peeves

2004-01-19T14:55:00.000-08:00

Did my dogs write this?

x

Blaming your farts on me ... not funny ... not funny at all.
Yelling at me for barking ... I AM A DOG!
How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat spit?
Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it.
Yelling at me for rubbing my bum on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that firm handshake thing yet.
How you act disgusted when ! I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
Dog sweaters. Hello ... have you noticed the FUR?
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
When you pick up the poop in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.The sleight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

Mail Bag: Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

2003-04-07T14:37:00.000-07:00

GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL
Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq ambassador)
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This crossing of the road was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on the chicken.

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking bout your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historical inevitability.

VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?